Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
not ubering you a puppy
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
