nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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