Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
