he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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