a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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