My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
