Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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