WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
