i need an iv and a liver transplant
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
