The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
