She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
