be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
