I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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