You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
