Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
