mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
