you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
