I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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