Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
