why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
