In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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