Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
