i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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