apparently the secret to your success is patron
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
