Cold hands, warm shart.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
