Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
