Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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