Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
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