i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
