My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I party with great urgency now.
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