Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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