Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
whose parrot is this?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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