I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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