I wanna bring you to show and tell
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
