My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
