the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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