So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
