i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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