I wish I could teleport
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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