if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
