I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Randomize
