I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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