this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
