Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You ruined the universe
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
