Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
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Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
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Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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