Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
