So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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