i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
