proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
