Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
