Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
