Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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