My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
