She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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