I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
